I am reading through Lysa TerKeurst’s book Uninvited. I highly recommend it… as long as you are ready for a lot of ah ha moments, and some pain as God strips away the layers of the onion to get at the core of the problem. Combine this study with Love God Greatly’s Walking in Wisdom and the growth and catharsis is liable to be paralyzing and freeing all at the same time.
My whole life I have been filled with self doubt… I believed that I had to be perfect to be accepted. And, well, I am far from perfect. And as soon as I felt unaccepted or felt that my imperfection was being pointed out, well… anger, and hurt and ugly came spewing forth from my mouth. And, then it spiraled. I was more imperfect, I was less lovable, I was beating myself up more… why couldn’t I just follow the scriptures?
The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewelry, and a wise friend’s timely reprimand is like a gold ring slipped your finger. Reliable friends who do what they say are like cool drinks in sweltering heat – refreshing! Like billowing clouds that bring no rain is the person who talks big but never produces. Patient persistence pierces through indifference; gentle speech breaks down rigid defenses. Proverbs 25:11-15 (MSG)
Rash language cuts and maims, but there is healing in the words of the wise. Proverbs 12:18 (MSG)
Our speech reveals what’s in our hearts… and if that’s the case, then I have a lot of ugly in my heart… and that hurts. It hurts me, it hurts those I love and it hurts My Heavenly Father. And, then my heart broke… how, how did I get filled with all this ugly? Why do I not believe the scriptures written about me? Why can I not believe I am more valuable than rubies (Proverbs 31:10)? Why can I not believe that the He will fill me with love, joy, peace, self control (Galatian 5:22)? Why can I not believe that I am enough (Isaiah 43:1)?
There were a lot of things that prompted this breaking of me, of my heart, this emptying of all hurt… it was reading Uninvited, studying Walking in Wisdom and an ugly fight with my hubby where I unleashed all of the ugly that had taken root in my heart on him… him who I was to love, honor and cherish… nothing I did fulfilled the scriptures. (Genesis 2:18, Matthew 7:12, Colossians 3:14, Provers 18:22…and the list goes on and on).
I’m going to be honest here… when I started this post, I had planned on dumping out why I thought my heart was full of anger and hurt and rejection… but I almost feel as if that would be making an excuse. And I can’t make excuses any more… I have to own me, my hurt, my anger, my fear, my pain… and once I am willing to own it, then I can turn it over to God, I can lay it at His feet and I can begin to let Him fill me, grow me, I can accept that I am imperfect but I am perfectly imperfect and His strength is made better in my weakness… I can say that rejection was planted there at an early age and for as long as I can remember, I have been fighting it…but this is not my battle to fight, it is mine to give to God… and to allow Him to fight through me, for me… If God is for me, who can ever be against me? (Romans 8:31.). I am not going to expect myself to be perfect, and I will allow my imperfections to be used to glorify Him. I want to live a life full of grace, love and forgiveness – not only for my husband and my children, but for me too.