You know that feeling when you are holding a little baby or toddler and you know they are beyond tired and they are fighting the sleep? And then that feeling when they start to relax and they finally give in to the sleep? How you can just feel their body melt into peace and comfort? Yeah, I’m thinking that’s the surrender I need in God.
I thought I had surrendered, I pray about decisions (well, at least the big ones) and I have even learned how to be still and quiet and truly listen for His answer, and then His second answer because I need confirmation!
I pray for friends and family members – both their spoken and unspoken prayer requests. I pray for my kids and their future spouses (although, probably not like I should, since I am being totally honest here).
I pray for my marriage… but again, if I am honest in that, I am probably praying on a very superficial level… for forgiveness and health, for love and devotion, for grace and forgiveness (but since I have opened the honesty box…. let’s throw out there, I want grace and forgiveness for me, I don’t like to have to offer grace), for understanding (but for him to understand me, I don’t want to have to put myself in his shoes…)
And when I hear God, and I follow His instructions and I am being obedient, (again with the honesty), I want that ‘aha moment’, everything falls into place and boom… all my heart’s desires (for that specific thing) fall into place. Because, well, I am obedient and surrendered… but I am not that totally relaxed, at peace toddler who has finally surrendered, surrendered. I am that I have stuck my thumb in my mouth and put my head down on your shoulder toddler surrendered because, well, this is what I have been told to do. I have been told to pray, I have been told to be still, I have been told to listen, I have been told to be obedient…
But, y’all, doing what I am told to do because I am told to do it is not surrendered… it’s being obedient … but obedience is not surrender.
Surrender is giving in because you want to, not because you are told to.
Surrender is trust… when that toddler surrenders and falls asleep in your arms, you don’t just drop them and then continue on with your day, you find a soft, secure place to put them, you keep them safe, you make sure they are warm and cared for… and won’t my Heavenly Father do the same thing?
Surrender is doing hard things… let’s face it, some times that toddler doesn’t want to stop playing but when they are told it’s time to sleep, it’s for their own best interest. And that best interest may not be that they are beyond exhausted, it might be to protect from exhaustion, or to allow mom a chance to recharge so that she can be better equipped later.
Surrender is peace and security. That toddler fights and fights, or not. Sometimes, Sir Little Dude will just come and say “Mommy can I sit in your lap?” I know that means he’s tired and he just wants to feel secure. And, he, like me, needs security after he feels he has disappointed someone. And as his momma, I am more than willing to give that security. But as a believer, I need to go find that security in Christ, not in my hubby, neighbor or friend.
All of this to say…I think I am lacking peace and security EVERYWHERE! I am tired, and in the past, in my tiredness, I have had my hubby or a neighbor or some one to surrender to … to have them help me or tell me what to do. I have had temper tantrums and justified them with a tiredness, or blamed others, or said I was empty and it was so and so’s fault for not filling me. But I can’t be the best me, the me I was made to be if I am not secure, and I can’t be secure if I am not surrendered.